Life with and without you
by livelaughluvmusic
Summary: Kaidan lived a life without Shepard for two years which greatly outweighted the time they had shared. Insight into time without Shepard, post-horizon, and post-reunion. Love was a concept he couldn't live without now all because of her.
1. Chapter 1

Three.

It was every thing but his lucky number. It was sweet reverie he was slowly being lost to, only to be yanked out by the same memories. Three vases had been broken, three days to perpare for an event that sent him to his knees, three thoughts jumping around in his head, attacking his skull.

His face was down as he tried to shield his mind from the very last memory of her. The fire, the crash, the pilot who wouldn't leave and the woman who rescues him, never to be seen again.

It was both easier and harder to play the memories backward, as if her death would be undone by the push of a button. Death, Illos, lockers, Virmire, Noveria, Therum, Feros, the Council, the first meeting. If only life were so simple. If only bringing back lives was as easy as creating a castle out of sand or a childs constructive toy. If only she would come out of the pictures he had of her. The one were she is smiling, his arms around her, mixing scents of both their bodies, the thermal energy between them creating biotic static and warm friction that no other two people could create together.

He found himself envying the man in that picture, himself from when their time together was at a comfortable standstill of no geth, no interruptions, just two bodies creating a tangle of limbs and a happy hum of pleasureable times.

It was her birthday today. She would be thirty years old. Kaidan tried to smile as he thought of what she would be doing right now. She would probably be looking in the mirror, seeing if she had a strand of grey hair yet to match his single strand of silver. She didn't care how she looked but having one grey hair would be another thing they could share, another small memento to carry when ever they parted for several hours. This parting now was longer and was permanent. He would be rapping her gift in that red wrapping paper she was obsessed with, the one with the fiery background that matched her hair, and the gold gifts on the front that also had _love_ written in almost every language. He had bought it for her on their last shore leave when he saw her looking at from the corner of her eye. Inside would be a card, a red velvet box, and inside the velvet box her gift: A necklace that had both their dog tags molded back-to-back, pictures of the whole crew, and an omni-tool to replace the one she had broken when she had fallen onto her back. The last incident had been an accident. He was turning the corner and she was right there, carrying a fresh omni-tool, so fresh it was still in the box, and he shocked her, causing the box to shatter and be followed by howls of laughter...

It was exactly one year after their night. The night before Illos. Thats what the dog tags were for. Another smile tugged at his lips at the thought. When Joker had woken them up, telling them that they had ten minutes until they reached Illos, they had been struggling to get dressed and suited in armor and in the confusion they had grabbed the wrong tags. At least Anderson had given them a weird look and a chance to switch after the battle, before they talked to the Council or Udina. Kaidan had suggested that they have both tags mixed into one, another cheesy way to never be separated.

He flipped the tags over and over in his hands. Shepard. Alenko. Shepard. Alenko. The letters blurred as time passed, becoming a mixture of both surnames. He had hoped that one day, maybe, just maybe, they would share his lastname. She was gone and it made everything feel horribly numb.

It was also a friday. They used to look forward to fridays, a day they could fall asleep late and no one would dare to wake them up. God, how he missed those days.

Friday... Friday was visitors day. He had the picture frame in his hands, the images of their adventures filling the holographic screen. Roses grasped inbetween palms and the frame. A dozen flowers and a dozen pictures... A dozen crew mates crying. Her grave was calm, an eerie unsettling calm that made his stomach burn and eyes sting. Her life had been full of action, maybe that was why seeing her remains in such a quiet setting seemed out of place, she deserved the calm after the hardships she had been through. Visiting every friday didn't help forget her but he didn't want her out of his mind.

The concept of dreams was one his brain and soul had fought over many times. His mind hated and loved him for it, it knew that when he woke his missing of her would deepen but his heart wanted, needed these dreamy moments away from the harsh reality. His migraines came from his L2 implants; his dreams came from the mourning of his heart. Every night was a dream of her, most nights a good dream, a sweet dream of them, but somedays it was a nightmare. His subconscience knew that the dreams just made him ache for her even more when he was awake but how could he not think of her? He wanted nothing more than to feel her touch of smooth skin and calloused fingers, to smile in the morning seeing that they had fallen asleep with their hands intertwined. Some days he did okay, miserable but how could he not be.

He would never forget her name, her smell, her face, her birthday, her scars or way with words.

He would always think of a way to play the event out differently, to fix those choices he had made, to not listen to her plea for him to leave. It was all over and all he wanted to do was hold her and comfort both of them with the others presence.

He remembers Virmire still. He could never forget it. He never chastised her for her choice, there was a slight spark of fear when she had paused to decide where to go and whom to save. It was followed by a tinge of happiness when she had come to rescue him and even that was overridden by the wave of survivors guilt. He had never questioned her choice because he could still stand tall with her but today was different. For the first time in all his life Kaidan wished she had chosen Ashley over him. If she had he could be with her right now, instead of wallowing and brooding in this hollow prison that people referred to as his apartment. It wouldn't be hallow if she where there. The apartment was small enough that he would be able to feel her biotic rhythm from anywhere in the contained living arrangement.

His mind kept being pulled to the fires, screams, and launching of escape pods. They buzzed and nipped at his everythought and he began to wonder if he would become as crippled as the late Adams was. Kaidan was still alive but he certainly didn't feel like it. His sanity was being sipped away by the hungry memories of her. He wanted to revive her and he found himself being pulled away from the living, breathing world once again. Kaidan hated himself for delaying so long, for holding back because of regulations. He hated that Shepard was dead and he was separated from her, forced to live in a place where every corner held memories or images of her. He despised that Ashley and Shepard could be reunited and that he was left in a sobbing corner.

And just like a strong bullet hitting his heart he was jolted out of those senile thoughts. He was jealous over death, talking about life as if it was controlled by a flip of a switch, as if everyone was being picked on a team and he was sitting behind on a bench to watch as the others exiled him! It was wrong and he knew it. He knew these thoughts were poisoning him, that he would be better tomorrow when the thoughts and migraines would be temporally put on hold because of Anderson's meeting were no emotions could be shown. He knew these thoughts would be replaced by his normal mind and when the alcohol in his system had fled. He also knew that he wouldn't go a day free of memories of her but as Shepard had said. _I'll remember her and I'll do better for her._

He had to live with his choices, the choice to listen to her and leave and right now, on the day the three most important events in his life had fallen on, he couldn't quite live with himself.

The cold air did not stop in its whispering lament to his fallen lover.

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><p><em>Part two should be up soon. Please review and I thank you for taking the time to reading an aspiring writers work.<em>

_I really do wonder what will happen with Kaidan an Shepard in Mass Effect 3. It was terrible for him to be have an absence in Mass Effect 2. Hhhmmm... Will there be renegade or paragon interups when you talk? Will Kaidan be more outspoken about what he feel and want from Shepard? Drop a review with any thoughts, feelings, prompts, opinions, and hopes for Mass Effect (1,2,3) _

_Ooohhh and the question that must be asked: did your Shepard cheat on Kaidan?_

_Drop a review and, of course, THANK YOU!_


	2. Bruises, Scars, and Wine

_There is a reference to a 'second letter' for Kaidan to Shepard. I know this doesn't happen in the games and the letter is a reference to my story "Have Loved Do Love Have Lost?". I would very much appreciate if you you read that short story as well and popped a review in any of my stories [nothing makes me smile as much as a review :)!] Thanks for reading! Ps. My Shepard did NOT cheat on Kaidan. Oh, and P.p.s There is a video on the ign website titled Female Shepard In Action and it has about two seconds of Kaidan in a fight with awesome blue armor!_

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><p>She was back. After two years of dry and moist tears, of cries for her to return, she comes back, like she was asked so many times during her death, and she is <em>with them<em>! How many times had they blown their bases to millions of pieces, to match the pieces of lives they had ruined? She had dived head-first into a plan she did not understand. Kaidan was still working out what they had bartered, but knew if she was real, and was with Cerberus, then the world may very well end soon.

But she had _died_! She had told him to leave and run. And she had reaped the consequences of his cowardice and obedience. Shepard had suffered a painful death of which she did not deserve. Saren, with all his betrayal and pain, had been granted a quick death by bullet. She had to take more shallow breaths by the second and feel the mental pain of knowing your death is coming. She had died, or so she had said. He had hated himself. He had listened! He went against regulations to be with the woman he loved and he couldn't disobey even though it would have been the wiser choice. No, of course he couldn't yell at her or go against her. Kaidan scowled at the idea that now, they were fighting each other. They were on opposing sides, he would have to yell at her and, if the order for her death presented itself, his head would have to suffice for her growled in his throat as he looked at his computer screen. She had not replied to his message and even if she had, he had mostly likely broken his screen by clicking 'refresh' more times than humanly possible.

He drew in an unstable breath.

Kaidan tried to indulge himself with memories. He wasn't alone in his fantasy, she was grasping onto his forearms and his waist with impossibly graceful appendages. The blue outlining of her cabin was being out shone by their biotics response to the longing gnawing at their torsos. The red bangs covering her chlorophyll tinged eyes and his brown dusting with the lust eating at his brain. He could feel the warmth of her, how he felt to press her onto the matress and the heat that engulfed him when she did the same.

His fist slams onto the table, stronger than should be without having to flare his biotics.

That- that Cerberus magot had looked at her. Not just a harmful gaze or sweep of acknowledgment, but actually peered at her. It was a look Kaidan had given many times to her turned back. He strained his eyes back towards the screen, focusing on the picture of one Jacob Taylor. Clean cut, with a bit of a closely shaved, triangular scruff on his chin; subconsciously Kaidan touched his own chin, grateful to feel the absence of hair and tingling remains of strong shaving cream.

Kaidan had seen the dark skinned operative over her shoulder, his eyes betraying a relatively cool doubts had sold him out on Horizon. She was there, faint scars shivering over her face, uncertain if they should be there. The fear and instability of Horizon was flushing back, breaking over the carefully placed mental dams.

Jacob Taylor looked at her as if playing how much that prize was worth. Wondering if it was worth the danger to hold her, and Kaidan desperately wished that she was still a kiss lengths away, just to be convinced he still had any slight claim on her.

For all he knew, Kaidan's dreams of Shepard and himself sharing a future were as empty as the wine glass staring back at him, resting on the corner of his digital screen. The uncompleted letter rested next to a blinking marker, signaling it was ready for a poem of writing to convey unfiltered passions. The problem was, Kaidan was not a poet or writer. He was not like Homer who could write of tales of great bravery and sacrifice, of sweet, venomous voices that awaited to drown you, of a husband waiting for the open arms of his craved wife. He couldn't. He could not conquer the blob in his throat that desperately wanted to voice simple signs of wanting and pleading.

The open document blinked impatiently again, as if knowing that Kaidan could over come this painfully childish act of silence that had plagued him for weeks, of the time bordering on seventy-two hours of no sleep. Even speechless objects hadn't given up hope on him, using symbols that were over looked everyday in normal life to boost his resolve's faith.

Kaidan's eyes lifted heavily again, his fading iris' catching something they hadn't before. There, in the bottom of the glass, forming a microscopic meniscus, were a few savory sips of wine that were left behind. And there, in the almost empty glass, was an epiphany that none besides Kaidan would realize. The glass of future was not empty and, as Alenko started typing, the events yet to pass would be saved by passion fulled fingers, dodging softly over the keyboard.

The future would be filled of longing that would never be felt again, for none of the shining stars would be apsent when they met, reunited.

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><p><em>I want to thank my first two reviewers HisuiNekome and Ninjapocalypse2! When I saw a review by Ninjapocalypse2 I knew I had heard that name and, sure enough, she does some awesome Fenris and Lady Hawke stories from dragon age :) Thank you both for the reviews. I have been trying to get more, especially since I'm not sure if I'm a good writer or if anyone is reading my stories. And for those who have read any of my stories <strong>Thank you times one millions and over!<strong> You guys have kept me going through my little writing spurts. Sorry if it takes longer for part 3. Oh, one **big question! **Is this story anygood?_

_Thank You all for reading, skimming, reviewing, or anything else that includes a positive attitude towards my stories! I played the demo for Mass Effect 3 and I'm all the more excited! Only a little longer and our wait will end!_


	3. Clockwork FINALCHAPTER

_Okay, thank everyone who has read this story. Your reviews mean alot to me. I also own nothing I have mentioned, if I did BioWare would have more Kaidan, Liara, Ashley, and none of the crew for ME2 would leave you. I own no hair dye products. I've been hesitant to **maybe **write a Self Insert(SI) but I'm on the fence about it. I totally forgot how awesome ME1 is and replaying it is so awesome eventhough the crouching during battle pissed me off at first. I did alot of side missions this time and added upgrades to my teams and I's weapons since I ignored when I played all those times before. I'm sorry if the dialogue sucks but this is my first time writing them actually talking and it's.. Awkward, to say the least._

_**Ninjapocalypse2**: Its fun when people think you're crazy lol and hell, I'll mention good authors as long as they keep writing so please continue Fenris, Are You Drunk? Oh, and I didn't want NY to win the game either but I'm not a fan of either team. Do like Anders or no? okay sorry I'll continue the story..._

_This the** last chapter **so thanks for reading_

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><p>It was different here. The lines and designs, the tones and unspoken words. He had finally gotten over the words of Horizon. The words were never something he did not want writen down as fact, and that Shepard hadn't second guessed them and accepted was painful in its own category.<p>

The tone here was content and happy, not filled with thought of Illos like the night so long ago had be tainted with. This cabin was bigger, with no competeting light to challenge their biotic's illumination. The fishtank being the only cobalt light not coming from an organics response to emotions the heretics will never understand.

The arm surrounding Shepard tightened as the owner of the arm turned onto his back, firmly placing her onto his chest. She resisted to giggle a very unlike-Shepard giggle. Kaidan's hair was fanned around his head, loose and floppy, as if someone had placed a dark mop on the marine's face. It was... Cute. Shepard's nose scrunched up as she looked at him. He had streaks in his hair now, silver dancing in a shadowed background. Or as Joker would say, "Told you Just For Men would land you a girl", she had to stiffen another laugh.

She smiled as the man holding her began to stir, a soft moan running out of his lips, into the resistance of morning. Kaidan's hair ran from the pillow as he lifted himself into sitting position, similar to the first nights after affects, but neither were dressed this time or ready to leave for that matter.

"Good morning, Mr. Alenko" Shepard said, sweet as a consort's assistant hoping for a tip.

"Hmm, Morning wasn't good until you wake up beside me" The soft tone of his voice was enough to melt anyone, Shepard had to practice her resolve against it. The tips of his mouth continued to spread upwards as he began to slid over her, resting only when their chest touched, arms on either side of her to keep the weight off the woman he loves.

Shepard had an impish grin make its way to her as similar heat and smell danced swiftly about them. "You're cheesy," Her words ricocheted off of Kaidan's mouth, getting stuck between their lips as he lowered himself in tantalizing inches, "And taste like mint"

"Is that a complaint?" He asked, playful tones threading through. God, he missed her taste. It had hesitated and it suffocated his every thought. He was never good with words, every thought had seemed to come out wrong and it was nothing short of Heaven's blessing that she had heard his true feelings all along.

"I'll complain if you stop, but" She laughed as her thoughts strayed to another subject.

"Shepard?" He whispered, suddenly quite. Shepard was only silent in few situations, mostly someones destruction followed. Or the destruction of a bulk head like the last time she got in a fight with Jack.

"I didn't lock the door last night" She stated, their blush mirrored on the other's face. His eyes drawing over the cheerful green symbol placed over the door.

He smiled at his own dirty joke that sounded much to like Joker. "I don't think any one would come in. The door isn't soundproof." The comment earned him a well placed slap on his brow.

He only laughed, "Like you don't know"

"EDI, Please lock the door." The symbol melting into a red hue of light as the AI logged the two spectres out for the night.

"I have to teach the new commander a lesson" Shepards words were followed by a quirk of her oh-so familiar lips.

Kaidan smiled as well, finally at peace from the havic-reaping galaxy.

"Whatever you say, Mrs. Alenko"

And for one night everyone was as broken as they were, and in the days that followed everyone was being healed by the clocking work of synchronizing hearts.

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><p>D<em>oes anyone else like the idea of Kaidan as a daddy 'cuz I DO! He would be a sweet dad I think to match that sweet heart of his. Again, sorry if the talking is bad but I'm still new to writing and I hope I , gotta go play the virmire mission :( Last time I talk to Ms. Williams. That would be a horrible condolence letter to send. Also, most guys save Ashley just because she's a girl, have you noticed? The demo with Kaidan was awesome and he helps you board the Normandy :) Aaaww<em>

_**Thanks for reading!**_


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